I just heard the news that Dave Barry, the popular humor columnst, is pregnant again, or rather that his wife is pregnant. Every ten years Dave releases a new book about his life at the cusp of a new decade, i.e., Dave Barry Turns 40, Dave Barry Turns 50. Right now, Dave Barry is 52, so in 8 years when he writes his 'Dave Barry Turns 60' book, I'm sure he'll entertain us with what it's like to be a senior citizen with a preteen zooming around the house.

In the meantime, I was wondering what motivated a man who survived the first round of childraising to become a daddy again at the age of 52. Isn't that like jumping into rough waters for a 20-mile swim just after surviving a shark attack?

Maybe Barry was trying to help out his older children, by providing an extra playmate for his own grandchildren.

Of course every age has its compensations. Barry will have unique experiences to share with his child. Every kid loves to play dressup. Having an aging parent might be a great way to get more props, like teeth and a toupé. The baby can play hide and seek with his friends in Dave's beard, and use Daddy's magnifying glass or bifocals to start fires in the woods out back.

When you get older, you often have things lying around the house that you couldn't afford when you were young. Dave won't have to buy the new baby a rattle, he can just rattle a tin of Doan's pills.

No matter what the age of the parent, they can do father-child things together. Dave can accompany his kid on Halloween night as Grandpa from the Beverly Hillbillies and no one will suspect it isn't a kid in a costume. By the time Dave's autumn child learns to use a computer keyboard, Dave may need a stronger prescription, so instead of paying the optometrist for new glasses he can just dictate to his young keyboardist. And there's no problem if the DMV refuses to renew Barry's driver's license when he's turning 69, his kid will be 16 and eager to get his license. Though she or he might not be quite as eager to chauffeur dad to and from his poker games and doctor's appointments.

Dave loves sports. There's no reason why he shouldn't play them together with his young child. With an early start, his kid could become the world's first 9-year-old lawn-bowling champion. Instead of horseback riding together they can compete at horseshoes.

The kid might even enjoy having an older Dad. If Barry's child turns out to be mischievous and mechanically inclined, he can interface Dave's hearing aid with a computer, and send Dave hypnotic suggestions while Dad is nodding off in front of the TV. "Give your kid a bigger allowance ... take your kid to the game more often ... buy your kid season's tickets to all the rock concerts ..."

There are certain to be advantages. With a mature father, his daughter (or son) will develop excellent communication skills at an early age, from constantly explaining to friends that Dave is her daddy, not her grandpa.

There could be complications too, of course. At church picnics I wonder how they're going to fit Dave's cane into the three-legged race. Instead of bringing lemonade, he might bring a bottle of Geritol.

By the time his child gets married, Dave will probably be in his late 70s. If he has a daughter, she might decide to give the father away, instead of the other way around. At least she won't have to worry about Dad stopping the wedding if he's not keen on her choice of a husband. She can get someone to turn off his hearing aid during the ceremony. That way he won't be able to hear the person conducting the ceremony ask the audience if anyone objects to the couple being joined in holy matrimony.

As Barry gets older, his wife might have to be a bit more vigilant. She'd better keep an eye on those little jars of mashed up baby food, especially if the prune flavor starts to mysteriously disappear. She might also have to watch him if he's making their kid a strawberry milkshake to ensure that he doesn't accidentally grab the Metamucil instead of the strawberry syrup.

I wonder if Barry and his new wife talked about having another child before she became pregnant. Perhaps she just sprang it on him. Hi, honey, I'm home, could you just put the buns in the oven while I sit down and rest the bun in my oven? Whether it was planned or not, even though I'm making light of the situation, I nevertheless sincerely wish them well.

But I can't help wondering if Dave had ulterior motives. Maybe the whole thing was his idea from the start. With his other kids growing up and getting out of the house, perhaps he got worried about having enough material for future columns. After all, where will he get his inspiration if all he does is come home from work, watch football, and drink beer all night? With a new rugrat to stir things up, he's set; he can get enough material to stay in business as a humor columnist for at least 18 more years.

© copyright 1999 by the author, all rights reserved.

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