Remember the excitement of getting your first driver's license, in spite of the long lineups at the motor vehicle office? These days you have to take a numbered tag from one of three dispensers labeled Test, Retest, and Renew. Since most new drivers know they're not quite ready for the test anyway, maybe they could shorten the lines by changing the dispensers to Competent, Incompetent and Drag Racer.

One of my high school friends admitted she couldn't parallel park when she got her license. She was a pretty girl who smiled and pleaded with the examiner to pass her. He passed her and told her to go home and practice and not tell anybody. She obligingly told everyone at school the next day and two years later still couldn't parallel park.

If you're not a pretty teen, you can't parallel park, and you're really desperate to get your license, get an accomplice. When the examiner tells you to pull over to the curb, have your friend jump out from behind the car wearing a mask and waving a gun. Throw him your wallet and drive away. The rattled examiner will be so grateful for your quick getaway, he'll forget about testing your parking skills.

When I took my driver's test, the examiner told me to turn right at the next intersection. I dutifully passed a narrow alley and turned at the next street. Thinking I had responded perfectly, I was surprised when he waved his arms frantically, swiveled his head, and loudly recited the official definition of 'intersection.' He had expected me to turn into the alley, a strange request since I'd been told all my life to stay out of alleys. I looked at him nervously, then remembered my friend who couldn't parallel park, and smiled sweetly, begging him to give me another chance. I guess it worked; I passed the test without driving down the alley.

During my driver's exam I had to park on a hill, turn my wheels, and pull out without rolling back too far. My Dad later told me that was too easy. He explained that in Europe the examiner would make you stop on a steep hill, get out of the car, and put a matchbox behind the back wheel. To pass, you had to pull out without crushing it. Dad was convinced that preserving matchboxes guaranteed better drivers. I was skeptical about Europeans being better drivers, given the minimum 120 mph insanity that's common on the European autobahns. Autobahn driving explains why German cars are built like tanks; they have to survive high-speed collisions.

Personally, I think everyone should have to demonstrate freeway driving before getting a license. Most licensed drivers have no idea how to change lanes or use on-ramps.

Of course examiners and other motorists aren't going to want to accompany driver's license hopefuls on the freeway. Just the thought of new drivers zooming onto the freeway on-ramp at 13 miles an hour makes me want to trade my car for an armored truck.

Have you noticed that drivers ramping onto the freeway always force you into a lane that's occupied by a semitrailer barreling along at 75? The freeway entrant doesn't care. He or she figures you're either immortal or expendable.

In a freeway onramp crisis, you have three choices: brake, run, or ram. Braking sends you fish-tailing all over the freeway and into some other innocent driver. Running only works if you have a $70,000 sports car that instantly accelerates to supersonic speeds and fits between the cars that are three feet apart. If you figure your number is up, you might as well ram the motorist who's trying to murder you with his car and make it a double suicide. Unfortunately, none of these options is especially appealing so vehicle engineers have come up with an alternative called the 'intelligent vehicle system' (IVS) that takes driving out of the hands of unreliable drivers and puts them under the control of dependable computers. (How many times a week does your computer crash?)

IVSs are basically Autopilot-Everything cars. They have sensors and displays to tell you where you are, where you're going, and where everybody else is on the road. You don't drive them, they drive you. Most people think these systems only exist in science fiction stories, but IVS prototypes have already been built and some major cities are funding and building IVS tracks. Control freaks and speedsters won't like IVS, but anyone who enjoys reading on long commutes or who's had some incompetent driver put them in a neck brace or wheelchair for a few weeks will probably support IVS.

Since IVS isn't available yet, and no one wants to test (or trust) new drivers on the freeway, perhaps there's another solution. We could test with high-end video simulators instead of real cars. A video game with lots of freeway scenarios could weed out the suicidal maniacs. We might even be able to relieve congestion on our crowded highways by getting teenagers totally hooked on playing high-speed driving games instead of real cars, before they turn 16. After all, most video game addicts are too glued to their computers to get out much anyway.

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