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Julie Benson, syndicated humor columnist, offers this fun page of grave humor and deep thoughts for visitors and fans.

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Eulogy for an economy funeral, with the deceased packed like sardines in a common casket: We commend thee to thy maker, asses to asses and busts to busts. --Julie Benson

More obituaries coming from time to time. Stay tuned!!

Obituary for a boss you didn't like

Heese A. Pompazass, 64, of Corsica, passed away Saturday evening of a sudden heart attack while attending a business conference in Hawaii. His 24-year-old secretary, sweaty from suntanning in the hot Hawaiian sun, says she unexpectedly discovered the body of her boss who had gone to bed early, and reported the death to authorities. Pompazass served as CEO for the last ten years to a company specializing in the manufacture of bolts, screws and U-nails, Screw-U Fabrications. Survivors include his wife, who regretted that he wouldn't take her along on the trip and three sons, who are now discussing the distribution of a considerable fortune (see the obituary for the mysterious murder of A. Nudder Pompazass). The widow of the deceased asks that donations be directed to the Mary Tahl Fidelity Trust Fund. A memorial service will be held next Tuesday at The Green Links Golf Club, at the 4th hole, where the ashes of Mr. Pompazass, a man of considerable girth, will be sprinkled to create a new sand trap. --Julie Benson

Obituary for a teacher you didn't like

Olga Battleaxe, 99, passed away Monday after serving as grammar teacher at the local elementary school for 79 years. Four generations of children were exposed to her high morals, stern discipline and rigorous repetitive drills. Services will be held in the audio-visual closet in order to accommodate the number of people expected to attend. A funeral pyre will be erected in the schoolyard after the service to burn all the switches, straps, and rulers found in Miss Battleaxe's desk. Miss Battleaxe left no survivors, related or otherwise. --Julie Benson

Obituary for a cranky rich relative

Mrs. Rowling N. Doe, 78, widow of the late Jim Doe III, daughter of deceased millionaire N. Harry Ted Doe passed away quietly in her sleep last Wednesday, the day the exterminators were called to rid the house of rats that had gotten into the estate grainery. Mrs. Doe will be remembered for her sense of humor. She loved to joke that she was leaving everything to her cat Trixie. A sports stadium will be rented for the reading of the will which will be attended by various sons and daughters, grandchildren, great grandchildren, nieces, nephews, house servants, accountants, lawyers, neighbors, baby-sitters, attending care nurses and other sundry fortune-hunters. The date for the reading will be announced as soon as one of the wills found in Mrs. Doe's bedroom the night of her death is authenticated. No foul play is suspected or suggested by any of Mrs. Doe's intimates, or by the chief of police, who is named as a substantial beneficiary in each of the wills. Memorial services will take place in the 1,000 square foot walkin closet off the master bedroom, and the ashes will be used to line the bottom of Trixie's litter box. --Julie Benson

Obituary for a teammate you didn't like

An avalanche claimed the life of competitive extreme skiier Otto Yermind, 25, over the weekend. His teammates, to show their support for the bereaved family, hired a Saint Bernard to locate the body. The dog came back unsuccessful, weaving with apparent fatigue and dehydration, even though the teammates insisted they had fed it the water kept in a little barrel under its neck. Otto's skimates then suggested to the family that it would be a fitting tribute to have the memorial at the site where the body was buried under the snow. Unfortunately, they couldn't come along because of ski practise, so they donated a flair for the family to light as a tribute at the end of the service. On seeing the flair from the high slopes, Otto's teammates could pay their respects with a moment of silence. Services for Otto's family, who were buried in an avalanche set off by a flair, will take place at Gullibell Foules Funeral Home next Thursday. Donations may be sent to the Remedial Learning Institute. --Julie Benson

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