If you've been to several weddings, you've probably heard of the wedding jitters--those nail-biting, knee-shaking last-minute second thoughts that happen just before the ceremony, when the person tying the knot feels like an acrophobic bungie-jumping off the top of the Golden Gate Bridge.

If the wedding is only days away and 20-year expeditions to the Antarctic are starting to look appealing, it's probably time to reconsider. The only trouble is that most people don't have the courage to call off a wedding at the last minute; they're afraid their friends and relatives will want the wedding gifts back. Or that they'll blame them for the money they spent on the new clothes they bought to wear to the wedding. Actually the real reason everyone gets mad when a wedding is called off is because they're looking forward to the food at the reception, and the strippers at the bachelor party everyone claims aren't coming.

But suppose it happens to you. You've decided not to get married, but you're too nervous and scared to call it off. Don't worry. Here are some Bensonesque strategies for nullifying the nuptial vows. They may seem a little extreme at first, until you realize the alternative is your intended spouse dousing you with barbecue fuel and shoving you head-first into the hibache. The trick is to call off the wedding in such a way that it doesn't seem like it's your idea or your fault!

Strategy #1 - Fake your death Arrange for the florist to send a lot of white lilies to the church, and get a funeral home to display a demonstration coffin. You can get the coffin for free if you fool the mortician into thinking you're having an open house and it's a good opportunity for him to advertise to a big group of people. Then when wedding guests show up, have a friend announce your untimely death. Just make sure the mortician doesn't bring an open coffin, or you'll have to climb in and play dead for a very long time.

Strategy #2 - Get a stand-in Hire a stand-in stunt double who looks like you and tell him or her that you're playing a joke on everyone that you're getting married, and that it's reallly a fake minister. Then when she or he signs the marriage certificate, the double will be legally married to your intended spouse, and you're off the hook. Then get out of town--fast!

Strategy #3 - Get a fake minister This is similar to hiring a stunt double, except that you hire an actor to play the minister so that the marriage won't actually be legal. After the ceremony, the fun and the food, have another accomplice come in and declare that the minister is a phony and the marriage is null and void. Maybe you should have the accomplice show up after you've gone on your honeymoon.

Strategy #4 - Fake an earthquake Choose one of those churches that has a stage that doubles as a theater on weekdays. Get some of the theater stage managers to set up a fake 'earthquake' under the platform with noise and thunder and lights so everyone runs out of the church. When the church clears out, make your escape. You can say the earthquake was an 'act of God,' an omen against getting married. This works well if you live on the west coast, or if you have superstitious relatives.

Strategy #5 - Start a fire Get a teenage kid who's into pyrotechnics and have him or her set a time-delayed fire under the minister, then you be the one to pull the fire alarm so the fire department comes and hoses down the place. Not only will it buy you some time until you decide whether or not you really want to get married, but you'll be the hero for pulling the alarm.

The only trouble with all these strategies is that they only work as temporary delays. Your spouse-to-be will probably still want to go ahead with the wedding at a later date. If you're really serious about stopping the wedding, you need more drastic measures.

Strategy #6 - Hire new 'relatives' to attend the wedding Find about 20 of the oddest-looking people you've ever met to come and represent the family on your side of the church. Then introduce your betrothed to the strangest of your 'kin' and explain how you're looking forward to having a dozen kids just like 'Uncle Alex' and 'Aunt Maude.'

If that doesn't work, then you need something even more persuasive, like bringing in a fake blood test that says you have a highly infectious, grotequely painful, incurable disease. Make sure you paint a few telltale purplish spots on your face and hands before delivering the 'news.'

And if your intended loves you so much that she or he will still marry you in sickness and in sickness, no matter how bad it is, here's the final ace in the hole. At the precise moment when the minister asks the audience if there are any objections to this man and this woman being united in holy matrimony, have an accomplice jump up and say he or she is already married to you. This is guaranteed to make your betrothed and all his or her family members so mad, they'll never want to see you again. There's only one problem, if you're a man, and you live in Utah, this strategy won't work.

© copyright 1999 by the author, all rights reserved.

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