Primary Object Oriented Protocol

Request for Compliments (RFC)

© Copyright May 1997 Julie Benson, All Rights Reserved

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Read at your own risk! If you don't know what an RFC is, this technical parody is probably no more comprehensible to you than English is to a ladybug, but you can always go read a few RFCs online and come back!

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A Parody of the Internet Protocols and The Documentary Development Process

Network Working Group                                    Julie Benson
Request for Compliments: XXXX                            Abiogenesis
Category:  Incendiary                                    14 May 1997

Status of this Memo
This memo provides information for the Internet community.  This memo does not specify an
Internet standard of any kind, though secretly, I want you to do it my way.  Distribution of
this memo is uninhibited.

Abstract

    "Anyone can invent a protocol, document it, implement it,
     test it, and so on....  The IAB encourages the documenting
     of every protocol developed in the Internet ..., even if
     it is never intended that the protocol become an Internet
     standard."
                            -- J. Postel (RFC 1130, Oct. 1989)

This memo documents the Primary Object Oriented Protocol (POOP), designed to solve the problem
of the proliferation of public and proprietary protocols by consolidating them into one.  It
promotes the Transition Protocol (TP) for use with POOP as a way to clean up loose ends from
legacy systems.  The POO Protocol includes hacker-levelling authentication, and plug and play
autoconfiguration of virtual reality games.  Finally, this memo asserts that POOP can be
implemented in harmony with The Twelve Networking Truths (RFC 1925), even #10.

Introduction
This document presumes that the perfect protocol is actually desired. There is some discussion
in the community as to whether some members prefer a flawed protocol so they can charge
outrageous tech support and consulting fees, or get their name known by submitting a deluge of
dissenting RFCs, but this question is not addressed in this document.

The POO Protocol resolves one of the biggest debates in network evolution, namely how to add
addresses without hindering speed of service.  The POO Protocol solves the problem of congested
networks in a novel way, relying on established services and voluntary compliance, to increase
addresses without sacrificing efficiency.

This proposal is premised on five of the Benson Basic Networking Tenets (1997):

     1.  Network usage expands to fill the available storage and
         address space.

     2.  If you think you finally have enough storage and
         and network addresses, users will immediately invent
         new uses that require more.

     3.  The closer you look at a fractal, the more points it has
         and the longer it will take to navigate.  Yet we persist
         in upgrading networks by adding more peripherals, and
         more nodes.  Maybe it's time to solve this another way.

     4.  You'll never have enough memory, hard drives or network
         addresses, so it's easier to change the habits of the
         humans using the system than to try to upgrade.

     5.  To err is human, but on the Internet everyone knows
         you screwed up.

Definitions of Protocol State
During the R&D phase, while the networking community learns and implements the POO Protocol, it
is expected that outdated standards will be reclassified as retired Internet protocols (RIP),
and a few renegade alternate protocols may continue to be developed (thus satisfying TTNT #10). 
To accommodate this transition period, we are replacing traditional designations with the
following:

         Former Designation          New Designation
             standard                    stand-in
             draft standard              daft stand-in
             proposed standard           preposterous stand-in
             informational               uninformative
             experimental                experiential
             historic                    histrionic

The Scoop on POOP
In the 70's, Bill Gates extolled 'a computer on every desktop.'  As we approach the 21st
century, POOP takes Bill's philosophy to the next logical step, by advocating a terminal in
every bathroom.

The concept is simple.  Set up the system to handle up to two terminals per household, and four
per corporate restroom.  Remove computers from other rooms, freeing up all the desks, kitchen
tables, and counters which have been unavailable for desk blotters and family activities for
the last twenty years.  Since homes and offices already have well-established rules and
traditions for managing bathroom traffic, the trade-off in increased address space is mitigated
by reduced network traffic.  Change-over is accomplished with the Transition Protocol, used in
conjunction with POOP, so people can adjust to the new system. Logging off one user, in
preparation for the next, is handled by the POOP Signoff Client for Object Oriented Protocols
(SCOOP).

Rationale and Mechanics of Installation
To allay fears that certain individuals would monopolize the terminals, it is sufficient to
point out that families have had 4,000 years to hone their pressure tactics against bathroom
hoggers.  In the corporate realm, many companies have already installed security cameras and
electronic-badge-card systems to monitor the location of employees, and have policies to handle
those who linger too long in the loo.  Thus, the Internet with POOP becomes, in a sense, a
semi-intelligent system, interfacing with human traffic and routing patterns, thus freeing up a
substantial amount of online traffic-processing overhead.

The odds of people installing terminals in every bathroom might seem low, but POOP is likely to
spur commercial sponsorship.  Since commercial interests are obsessed with consumer habits, and
net-usage under the POO Protocol would reflect patterns of life in homes and offices, companies
will rush to support the installation and maintenance of terminals in every household in return
for usage statistics, and occasional online questionnaires.  Right now, consumers bear the cost
of buying computers and network access.  With corporate sponsorship of terminal installation
and operation, in return for voluntary monitoring and occasional surveys, we can realize our
dream of universal access.  Soap flake companies were the first to sponsor daytime TV.  Taking
the cue from hands-free phone sets, perhaps American Standard will be the first to market a
pressure-sensitive, Internet-compatible john.  You won't have to take your hands off the
keyboard to move the cursor.  Think of the video games you could play.

POOP also provides an unprecedented opportunity to save or redirect tax dollars.  Since potty
time in public schools is strictly rationed, children are likely to stay home instead of going
to school.  This solves a number of problems.  With sharp decreases in school attendance,
buildings will close, and teachers can accelerate the progress of distance education by seeking
online jobs, and the tax dollars saved by not having to maintain large school facilities can be
used for other purposes.  (This may herald another Woodstock, with thousands of school buses
selling cheap.)

Architectural Simplicity
This memo will show that POOP does not violate Antoine de Saint-Exupery's principle of
architectural simplicity, but rather improves on it by acknowledging commercial interests, as
restated in the Architectural Simplicity Statement:

   In anything at all, perfection is finally acknowledged, not when
   there is no longer anything to advertise, but when there is no
   longer any money to be made.
                                       -- Julie Benson, 1997

Standards Trek
While widespread acceptance of a new technology sometimes occurs without official sanctions, it
cannot receive the Standards seal of approval without going through established channels.

Clearly POOP should be a standards-track protocol, but there are obstacles to its quick
implementation.  The IETF imposes a waiting period of at least six months before a proposed
standard can become a draft standard, and four more before it can become a standard.  Only then
can you get a Standards Track Designation.

Thus we propose a new working group under IETF called the Streamlining Effort for Compliance
Standards whose responsibility it is to reduce waiting periods in general, and acceptance of
the POO Procotol in particular.

We are counting on the support of programmers and network administrators to participate in the
Streamlining Effort, and to promote the use of TP with POOP.  As Bertrand Russell intoned, "Do
not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric."  Since
many sysadmins don't get out much (a nice way to say 'socially challenged'), we think we can
count on this support.  After all, who else would be proud of getting an STD from the IAB,
except those participating in SECS with the IETF?

Acknowledgments
I would like to acknowledge the support of my publisher, who blanched when I announced I was
going to submit an RFC, but acceded when I promised to state that this memo is solely the
personal opinion of the author, and in no way represents, nor should be construed as
representing, nor pretends to represent, nor even could be mistaken for representing, the
opinion of the ISOC, the IAB, the IRTF, the IESG, the IETF, American Standard, nor Abiogenesis. 
However, the author makes no assurances that it doesn't represent the views of a portion of the
Internet community.

Author's Address
  Julie Benson
  Abiogenesis
  PO Box 9
  Bellingham, WA 98227-0009
  Email: juliebenson@abiogenesis.com
  URL: http://www.abiogenesis.com/juliebenson/

Shortcut to Julie Benson's home page.

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